How Many Adult Diaper Jokes Can I Make? It Depends…

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Old people amirite?! Whether you love them or hate them you’ll most likely become one if you haven’t already. I myself am pumped as all hell to become old. I’ll be that granny dropping inappropriate non PC words at the most inopportune time. You also bet your ass I’m gonna clip the ankles of every youngin’getting in the way of my digestives with my motorized luxury scooter . G-Ma needs those digestives so it’s easier to poop while sitting. Oldies already are the supreme leaders of the DGAF tribe, always will be. Though, there’s really nothing more terrifying than elder who gives even less fucks. Maybe thats what makes them a perfect addition to most horror movies. They’ve seen things, they’ve probably done things us young bastard couldn’t even fathom. This diatribe brings me todays post. Scary fucking old people in movies. If you think back, I’m sure you can remember a handful of them without stressing your tiny brain for reference. To be honest their appearance needs no adjustments. Complete with sunken eyes, wrinkles deeper than Maya Angelou poetry and the smell of 50 Mentos that have been hanging out in your pocket for the last decade. Their appearence alone scares the bejesus of youts’ and toddlers alike, not to mention the  foreboding  fear of whats to become of us one day. Makes me wanna shit my pants already.

The Taking of Deborah Logan

debsWhen I saw the trailer for this movie I was so pumped. Mostly because I’m a sucker for a good trailer and Jill Larson playing Ms. Logan looked fucking terrifying. Once I  peeped my eyes on this film I must say I was successfully creeped out so hard. The (super brief) premise of this movie is two documentarians are looking to do a film on Alzheimer’s. Deborah’s daughter  Sarah needs the money the film is providing, so she  reluctantly let the crew into their house to monitor good ol’ Debs. Over the course of a few weeks they notice Deb isn’t acting like a ‘normal’ Alzheimer’s patient. This is no oops I left the kettle on or, oops I put the boots on the wrong foot. This is full blown demonic noises, midnight digging and speaking French into an old switch board for no good fucking reason. Thats not even mentioning the amount of elderly bodily scarification and a scale-esque skin quality.

I’m personally all about paranormal experiences and doors that close by themselves, especially those with demonic undertones, you know, the usual stuff. I’m not going to bother spoiling the ending because its awesome, and for once I would like you to have nice things. Watching it a second time, I could see the signs of what good ol’ Deb was up too, thought the first time around the climax was shocking. This movie made me want to avoid all phone calls with the grandparents, and no, I will NOT have more peppermint knobs out of the bowl. They stick my teeth.

The Visit

visitI see old people! Now  that thats out of my system, I have to hand it to M.Night. Shamalamadingdong. Does he ever know how to capitalize on the elder creep factor. The premise of this movie is fairly simple. Two young kids are sent to visit (heh) their estranged grandparents while their mother goes on an eat pray love meets Miami adult vacation. The daughter is a young budding documentarian (of course) and with that we are able to capture every moment of creep elder bliss. Within a hot minute of arrival you can tell these two are more than a few stitches short of a quilt. They don’t seem to be super normal in most stretches of the imagination. The kids have a strict 9:30pm curfew and for good reason. I mean hell, I would not want to come out of that room to see my Grandma stark naked with pooey blood all over her wrinkled body. Hot and bothered yet? This woman gets naked a lot. It seems to go with the theme of being mentally perturbed and it works. Only few people should be seen naked on film.

Sidenote: How fun would it be to act batshit crazy, all naked and covered in what I would imagine to be chocolate pudding and raspberry jam, YUM! While screaming profanities and creepy demoinic things at children?! While getting paid! 

One of my favourite scenes in this movie has to be where Grandpa mashes his shitty jam diaper in the face of the young and budding Howie Mandel OCD runner up. It was magical, disgusting and so many feelings all at once. Not sure what it was but seeing that kid get ‘pied’ up with some depends makes me fart and giggle simultaneously, and who doesn’t like a giggle toot every now and then. I quite liked the visit, and you should too because I’m usually right.

Rosemary’s Baby

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I guess this is why they save the best for last. La piece de la resistance. Rosemary’s Baby is basically Mecca for all that is creepy  and old. These geriatrics pray on the young and supple Rosemary and her studly husband Guy (who’s kinda rapey, but I digress.) The premise starts off with this young fertile couple dying to get into the hottest apartment building in the city. They are pumped with the vontage decor and the ‘nice’ neighbours…kay. Soon the neighbours get a little close, giving Rosemary smelly necklaces and chalky chocolate mousse. If that isn’t a red flag then I don’t know what is. After she manages to choke down that craptasic brown sludge given by Ms. Castavet she falls into a haze and BOOM she’s naked on the bed surrounded by  equally as naked demon worshipers. Satan desecrates her body in a pretty horrific scene, and she wakes up with scratches all over her to which her asshole hubby Guy says he couldn’t contain himself. Yea. Fucking. Right.

Rosemary now has a demon baby swimming around her uterine sack and he likes it in there. Poor girl has gone through a series of doctors, friends and neighbours to try and help a sister out, but it seems as though they are ALL in on it and she can’t catch a break. The movie basically ends by Rosemary excepting her fate as the mother of the Anti-Christ and everyone is friends again and like her short haircut.

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In conclusion, all I can really say is don’t underestimate the power of the old. They may move slow and smell like rotting brie, but the truth of the matter is, they’re tougher than you. They are possessed better than you. They also have the uncanny ability to be abducted, probed and plopped down to earth, and people wouldn’t know the difference because they already look like they’ve been dropped naked from thirty feet.

Is old me-maw putting peanut butter on her hair again? Just put up with her stories and call it a day – you don’t want to anger any satan worshipping escaped mental patients who are possessed by demonic forces.

Scarah.

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