Re-Make Shme-Make. Martyrs Edition.


Afternoon my little horrs,

Today it is with great sadness that I am reporting, yes, there is a remake to one of our favourite horror movies, Martyrs. If you haven’t seen the 2008 original, you should watch it. I’ll wait…

Welcome back (places internet blanket delicately on shivering body). I know you’re scared, confused, probably need a smoke and a hug… we’ll get through this together.

It’s not difficult to see why Martyrs OG is one of the best, albeit visually disturbing, horror movies out there. It’s unapologetically acted and the original story line is strong like bull, just to name two generalizations. When I first heard there was a remake I couldn’t find enough tables to flip. WHY?! WHY THIS! Is nothing sacred?!

Clearly I’m not alone, people have taken to twitter in a sea of swift-typing anger to air their grievances about the whitewashed vanilla remake imminently storming movie screens across the world.

I know Martyrs OG has a cult following, yet some think that one watch of the film is more than enough, a la Requiem For A Dream. But, there is something I believe categorizes Martyrs OG as a perfect horror film.


Bath time! (Martyrs 2008)

When I first saw the OG years ago, I was still a young, budding, impressionable horror fan. I’ll admit, back in my day I used to watch these types of brutal films with my ears and eyes closed in the cinema (yes it’s possible and no I won’t give away my secrets.) I wouldn’t truly enjoy them. Upon maturing into a semi-regular person, I was able to see there was more to horror films than jump scares, gore and jiggling boobs (which are all still awesome by the way.) I originally watched Martyrs OG as a recommendation from a friend of mine. I was essentially blind to the premise, plot and basically everything the film encompassed. Upon watching the initial scenes, it was clear this was not a film for the squeamish. From the blatant home invasion murder extravaganza to the self-harm demon, shit was immediately getting real. We, the audience, are then bombarded with intense torture scenes, relentless in nature and absolutely brutal to watch. However, this isn’t just torture porn. Yes, at some points you wince and think “Why the f*** am I watching this?” Similarly, you then continue to wonder “Why  the f*** can’t I stop?’ It’s because Martyrs OG wants to take you there, to the inner most disturbing reaches of your imagination. It wants to tantalize the shit out of that sick and disturbed part of you, because it should be (or hopefully is) under-utilizedThis is where the ‘Murica 2016 Martyrs apparently falls flat.


The face you make when you forget to close the ketchup lid. (Martyrs 2016)

In a way, I kind of understand the why someone just needed to do a remake. Martyrs OG has a huge following in the horror community, it is already a classic must see type of horror. That being said, the film itself is anything but an easy watch. Most non-horror fans, or people new to the genre, would be off put by the torture, gore and insanity. New French Extremity is not for the faint of heart, or full diapered. This remake is bound to be, in every sense of the word, a whitewashed version of the OG. The budget is smaller, it was all shot in 17 days and it wants to be everything to everybody. It’s aiming to be accessible to the teenage girls of North America yet satisfy the die-hard genre aficionados. You can’t have your crucifixion and and leave the skin on. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. This particular cake being a stale McCain deep and delicious. It looks good and glossy but you know its a cheap knockoff of that chocolate cake from the New French Extremist bakery down the street. You heathens.

What it all boils down to I guess is money. Accessibility to a wider, English speaking audience means more bank. I personally know people who won’t watch foreign films because it usually requires more reading than they have done in a year. I also know people who would easily refuse to watch the OG for being too brutal, because they are giant pussies. Either way, neither versions are for everyone. This isn’t the goddamn notebook. If you’re a fan of the Martyrs OG like a normal crimson blooded horror fan, skip the remake. I plan to for clearly obvious reasons. This bastardization of one of my favourite horror movies was blacklisted the minute I saw the trailer for this piece of shit.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I just finished reading the mini interview with one of the stars and she sounds more vapid than a past, present and future Trump wife.

Even as a hardcore horror fan, it’s a pretty brutal film. I’m curious as to what you thought of it.

It is. But I watched it through a technical eye, because I knew I was going to do the reimagining. It wasn’t too bad. Maybe because I was being technical about it.

Perhaps this way we can discourage film makers and Scrooge McDuckish money hoarders everywhere to stop feeding us shitty remakes of foreign classics.

If you haven’t seen the OG and like pastel water colour prints, fluffy bunnies and white nightgowns with a spec of red them… see the remake. Tell your like-minded friends you have horror chops. Poak chops.

Feel free to watch the new trailer and and have a hate-on for yourself.

For some further reviews and other reading:

Until next time my little sauces.




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