Sup Sauce Monsters?
The year has come to a close, the egg nog hangovers are a thing of the past, and the next ‘holiday’ is Valentines day which we all know is complete bullshit. So, what better way than another ‘best of list’ to remember the dismal year that was 2015? Why is this one more important than the rest on the stinking heap? Because we eat, sleep, breathe horror and our moms’ say we’re smart.
In 2015, like most years, horror movies have gone the way of the adolescent male. There were a handful of hard hits, quite a few flaccid misses, and countless semis. To save you some embarrassment, we’ve looked under every groin covering binder to help you decide which flick to hit, miss, or at least dry hump.
We’ve decided to take a saucy approach to this listicle, summarizing each fearful film in a mere two sentences, to satisfy shrinking attention spans.
Without any further ah choo, our Best of 2015 in no particular order… because that’s like asking which kid is your favourite. The answer is none, none kid.
Due to his mother’s meth problem, metal head Brody moves in his with bible thumping relatives in small town New Zealand. He and his band unwittingly unleash an ultimate evil via an ill advised demon summoning hymn; bloody poop jokes ensue.
The Best: Dildo Fights
A bookish beauty with a hefty inheritance falls for a broke Baronnette with a crazy sister. He whisks her away to his crumbling clay stained manor which is super haunted, both by ghosts and his shady past deeds (he threw so much shade.)
The Best: Face Stabbing
A shitty new boyfriend pawns off a murderous stalking spirit on his new girl via boning. The girl in turn has a lot of sex trying to pawn her inevitable death off on someone else.
The Best: Hospital Bed Sex
Four vampires from different historical periods/vampire tropes are dysfunctional flatmates in modern day Wellington, New Zealand. When a contemporary DJ is vamporized their centuries-old routine is thrown out of whack.
The Best: MFING Peter
Two kids visit their estranged grandparents while their Walmart-employed mom is off on a tacky cruise with her sexy new hispanic boyfriend. The found footage style of the film (one kid is making a documentary of the experience) shows us a creepy portrait of these bizarrely behaved old fogeys and their apparently sinister motives.
The Best: Dirty Diapers
A horror western that makes you thankful you were born in the era of smartphones and indoor plumbing. A mans wife was stolen by a herd of troglodytes (fucking love that word) and it’s a race against time to steal her back from these loin cloth wearing heathens.
The Best: Dick + Blunt Axe
A horror movie that goes straight to the what would happen if the victim (a) escaped, and instead of running frantically, helped rescue other victims (b-e). Stockholm syndrome is a hellavuh drug and its not as easy as it looks.
The Best: McGuyver Style Human Ketch-All
Rookie cop on her first day of work is in charge of supervising a soon-to-be abandoned police station. The place is haunted as all hell by some Charles Manson wannabe killers with terrible teeth.
The Best: Shark-Mouthed Hillbillies
A few friends seek out the most intense and realistic haunted houses across ‘Murica. They ultimately find what they’re looking for, except they didn’t expect death…idiots.
The Best: Quick Moving Clowns
(I f***ing hate clowns)
A dying man hires a videographer to make a movie for his unborn child to help him grow up…and learn man stuff. The dying man is a complete psycho, and its amazing the videographer didn’t figure it out sooner.
The Best: Mascot Heads
Welp my children that’s it for today. I hope we endeared you JUST enough to watch some of these films, we promise you will not be disappointed, and if you are, I heard that new comedy with Anne Hathaway is pretty good.
Scarahh & Screamss