Looks Like You’ve Played Knifey Spoony Before

ZOMBIES! Am I right?! I know they are a little over saturated in the media, and all that is horror (even chefs), however you can’t help but love/hate the idea of them. They basically feed our narcissism of how it would be to be an undead, girggling lazy sack of s*** who happens to yield the powers of the undead in a single bite. Snack time!

With zombies comes numerous survival guides, the most famous being from Max Brook’s Zombie Survival GuideHe explains everything there is to know about zombies and fighting them. But for the uninformed, how would you stop those sheeply smell factories from making your hard earned booty into their cordon bleu? I’ve compiled a crude list of things that can be used against zombies. Pros, cons and what the hell were you thinking.

The Usual Suspects

Hatchet

7-hatchet-hatchet-III

Proper hatchet form.

Pro: You can carry one of these on your person wherever you go. Locating one while scouring houses for cat food and undies will usually result in a hatchet, especially on a little farm house on the prairies. There is little training involved with this type of weapon, and the weight of the hatchet itself can lend some skill to the unabashed (skull).

Con: You need to get relatively close to the object of your cracking desire. I mean, you could just chuck it into the crowd of zombies navaho style, but chances are you’ll just clip an ear or toe or worse of all, the f***ing ground. This weapon isn’t good for mass execution, more of a second date type of killing, where you wanna get close, but not too close.

knife

It’s only a paper cut. 

Knife

Pro: Its petit, sharp, and if used properly you can slice and dice some skulls in a hot minute. It can travel easy, hell you can even sleep with it and be prepared for anyone creeping under your blankets. We all know sometimes zombies aren’t the most dangerous predators.

Con: Using a knife well without severely injuring yourself takes a lot of skill. No going to a defence class twice a week and smoking a guy in a foam suit with an oversized q-tip doesn’t count. You need some Bear Grylls type skills. He drank his own piss for christ’s sake, until you’re at that level, use this with caution!

Crossbow

the-completed-crossbow

DIY Daryl.

Pro: Daryl is HAF, and his arms are pretty sexy. OHHH the actual weapon though. It’s great, relatively light weight, only uses arrows as ammo, so recharging and batteries don’t play into this. Arrows are also SILENT. It wont give away your position like some other firing types of weapons (see below) and it makes you look cool even though you have a string of squirrels hanging from your leather vest. MMmmm Darryl.

Con: You have to have pretty good aim to use this. If you’re trying to get a head shot from a distance, this isn’t the water squirt game at the fair. It’s difficult at best. Also ARROWS! Where can you find an endless supply? You can’t, you basically have to retrieve the arrows you expel which sucks because a) It’s gross b) dangerous because they might not be dead, like dead dead.

Gun

gun1

All guns look like this.

Pro: Pretty much 110% of American households have one, and if they say they don’t, they’re lying. So in the case of a zombie outbreak the US will definitely have the ups on us Canadians regarding guns. They don’t take a metric ton of skill to use. I mean you wouldn’t want to waste bullets, but any Tom, Dick and Jerry can blast off a magnum of rounds and attempt to hit the slightest bit of a head nugget. They come in all shapes and sizes, travelling long with an AK wouldn’t do much good, but neither is the small penis you’re harbouring either.

Cons: They are LOUD! Zombies from Zimbabwe can hear a gun shot (probably not but, I like my zombies with super sonic hearing). Bullets and guns I’m sure will be the first thing looted and may be hard to get a hold of unless you happen to work at a bullet shop. Also like I said, shooting doesn’t take a ton of skill, but skill is better, especially for saving those precious bullets. Don’t act like The Rich Texan and fire aimlessly into the air.

Less traditional Weapons

Nail Gun

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Becky’s first nail

Pro: This one hails from how much I love Happy Gilmore. With the right tweaks and fiddling, you can make this common house hold tool into a wicked zombie killing machine. Its got bullets you can find anywhere (I said tweaking ok) they can fire to a reasonable distance, especially if you’re picking off the undead from a crows nest.

Con: You have to know how to tweak said nail gun. Also they require batteries, and charging so it’s not the most useful longterm weapon. You also might be hard pressed to actually find a nail gun.

Flame Thrower

flame

I CHOOSE YOU! To murder zombies on my behalf.

Pro: You can kill or at least incinerate a metric ton of undead bros with this one. They will turn into adult sized fire ants but lets hope they just melt enough that they can’t really stumble towards you for a big honkin’ bite.

Con: Unless you’re in the military or some knowledgable vigilante with internet access, the chances of finding a flamethrower, or even knowing what one looks like is pretty much non-existent. The gas they waste is insane, you can pretty keep this scenario in your barbie dream diaries.

Medieval Flail

flail

Flail should ideally be sharper than this.

Pro: Its not too heavy, and relatively portable. You can also drum up your own makeshift version with some Macgyver like skills. The distance (depending on chain length) is pretty good between you and the mouth breathers, as long as you’re careful.

Con: Unless you have the delicate dancing skills as Gogo Yubari you’re not going to do too much damage without damaging yourself first. It takes a while to use one of these correctly, and if you try, you’re probably gonna look like an idiot. Big time.

Prison Shank (or Shiv, depending on cell block)

shanks

‘Wouldn’t you think my collections complete?’ – Ariel

Pro: This weapon would be good in close quarters, a tête-à-tête if you will with your favourite bad guy. The prison shank can be easily concealed, so unless you’re involved in a shake down before you’re brawl, chances are you could have hid this on your person. Slice and Shank away! Try to aim for the temple. It’s your best best for a guaran-cheese kill.

Con: Its a tiny piece of plastic with some jagged metal wrapped with an underwear strap. You better hope to God you’ve been good this year unless your f***ed.

This concludes my uneducated conceptions of what weapons are good bad and ugly. I hope you found this remotely informative. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to flamethrowers anonymous.

Your horriest with the gorriest, Scarahh x

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