*These are events based on the life of Chef Zombie, All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.*
A day in the death of myself, Chef Zombie, can be a fickle thing. When you’re dealing with brain dead staff, a customer base with an insatiable hunger, and inventory thats always on the move, it can almost seem like an uphill battle. Thoughtless tasks may seem simple but when you have brains on the mind and mind on the flesh all day every day finding your passion can be difficult. More difficult than honing in on that familiar putrid smell of dirty human nestled up in a barn.
Tonight I will be creating a price fixe menu (that’s french for cheap dead people) as the full moon frenzy is upon us. You may think, whats the point of displaying your excellent cuisine skills to hoards of mindless oafs? Don’t they eat dog meat? Well, with creating comes a sense of release, and I’m not talking about the toxic gases seeping from my exposed bowels. There is a more to death than guts, brains, brains, brains and brains. We’ve officially become the coldest restaurant on the block, freshest human meat around, and I’d like to keep it that way. Today I’ll show you what my days, nights and consist of, and why I’m so f***ing awesome.
- 6:45 am I’ve finished with my nightly pacing around my enclosed environment and boy do I feel rested.
- 7:15 am I hear my sous chef gurgle from down the hall, it’s hunting time! YES I hunt, how else can I ensure my guests have the freshest flesh, we’re not Crapdonald’s
- 8:30 am We saw something shiny, shinyyyyyyyyy, a few miles away and we’re going to check it out. Humans usually have shiny things, like fires, teeth and eyeballs.
- 3:00pm We’ve managed to saunter to our destination and low and behold, theres a f***load of us, looks like were not the only shiny, shinyyyyyy seekers. This can be good though, the more of us the better
- 5:00pm We manage to grab some grade A quaility goods. I’ve managed to get roughly 4 intact brains (2 had glasses, that means their smart…high quality!), about 8 varying limbs, I don’t discriminate about meat colour, more choice for guests! Lastly my piece de la resistance, an entire unharmed torso of a guy who clearly loved his crunches.
- 8:00 pm It’s getting late so we head back with our haul, we take a couple bites on the way…quality control.
- 11:00pm We arrive in my dilapidated kitchen and begin to cook up a storm, by cook I mean prepare. We specialize in the raw food sector, it’s really a hit with the masses.
Here is my sample Menu;
Lady Fingers, dressed with chocolate mud on a bed of worms
Elbow mac and cheese, with fresh fingernail breadcrumbs
Toe jam and skin graft crackers toped with a lice crumble
8oz. Leg of Dentist, served with caramilized teeth and a red blood jus
Rack of Baby back Ribs served with fried fingers and toes, and a delecate hair curl for garnish
Crunch belly steak, with a finger-ling garnish, wrapped in human procuitto, and a sprig of fresh rosemary
Bicep Brisket with blood pudding and tripe soufflé
Eyeball mouse with eyelash sugar
Flan a la brain, glazed in mucus
Brain 3 ways; A la tart, Ice cream and cake pops
This has been interesting at best. Thank you for taking the time to really see the hard work and dedication that goes into mutilating your food, and never forget the names and faces of who you’re eating. You were once people too. I must be off, I have an angry hoard of people slowly approaching with wallets as bloated as their stomachs. Take care, for now.
*Written on behalf of Chef Zombie by Scarah, your horriest with the gorriest”